Mornings are hard right now.

Mornings.

Mornings are hard right now. Everyday I wake up at around 7 or 8 and sit around for hours. There's nothing to do, I waste away typing fruitlessly at my computer or despretly trying to get pleasure out of old games I'm sick of by now. I hate it. There's nothing I can do about it now, it just has to wait. I want out of this house so fucking bad, I want to get him out of here with me. I feel like I'm loosing my mind as I write this. To make matters worse I'm hallucinating constantly, I don't know whats real or fake in terms of my preciption. PTSD is a bitch.

I've been struggling from survivors guilt over my own suicide attempts. It feels like I shouldn't be alive, all day in my head is a cacophony of voices telling me so. The meds aren't helping much right now, I'm not suprised. There is no treatment for this kind of sickness. Therapy kinda helps for a bit but it all ends. I'm still sitting here, alone, in the quiet. It used to be peaceful for me to be like this but not here. I need my own space again, I need a house and a room again. I love living with my friend its just the enviroment. My fight or flight is always on when I'm alone here. And instead of doing either I just fawn. This post is barely a blog, I'm not talking about anything in specific. I can't even do that right.

I know I've gotten better in a lot of aspects, I'm getting help now, I'm out of my abusive household, but it dosen't feel any better. I can recongnize that I've changed lots, even recently, but I still feel like shit. Maybe it's just because I'm more concious about whats going on with me mentally and it feels more insurmountable. A friend told me many years ago that it never gets better, but it does get easier. I really believed that for awhile, but the truth is shit dosen't get better or easier, it just happens. We are all just things experiencing shit. We will continue to experience shit until we stop. It's more like an endless loop arcade game.

Dittophobia

The concept of repition that once brought comfort scares me now. I'm scared of the endless loop arcade game. I want out, I need something new constantly. Repition used to comfort me, knowing what to expect and how to work within it was something that was crucial to my survival, but as I've gotten more aware of what happened to me and who I am it scares me, it suffocates me, i feel trapped. Maybe that's because the things that save you in the past can't save you forever. I just need to keep trying new things and keeping everyday different. I think I'm just psychobabling now but it's my website I can do what I want. I feel like I have a thousand thoughts that I can't type out or even make out clearly. It's a bad morning. It's always a bad morning.

Goodbye.